It wasn't meant to be

So I got an email from Veronica this morning politely telling me she didn't think it was going to work out for us. I'd like to sit here and tell you that it didn't affect me, tell you that my ego wasn't bruised... that I didn't feel like complete shit... but I do. I really thought I had a legitimate chance with this girl. She was definitely physically attracted to me, that much I am sure of. It has been 9 years since I have had to deal with any of this shit that I really have no idea what is going on. I don't remember the dynamics of how things once were. She was the exact kind of girl that I am looking for. I don't know why I am obsessed with really attractive women but I am. I think it is because I have such a passion for television and movies and I guess they usually only use the most attractive women. I want a girl that looks like a high fashion model, but isn't one. I also want a Yoga girl. Hmm how about a cross between a model and a yoga instructor. I am feeling a little bit of hope right now as I type this, but as I sit here listening to the sadness that is Keane, I keep thinking of Veronica and what could have been. She was the type of girl a man could just fall into and escape. A goddess. Ok... I am done.

Becky is the name of a new girl that I recently met online. That is the great thing about using an online dating site, is that you can be physically out courting a woman, taking her on dates, spending time with her exclusively while you try and see where it goes but at the same time you can be prepping new girl and queue them up for if and when things don't work out. So that is where I am now at this point. I am not going to tell you in detail about every girl I talk to because I have probably sent and received messages with about 35 girls so far. I am going to just talk about Becky right now because she is new and fresh and she has an angelic face and looks like a real goody two shoes type of girl. She is the exact type of girl that I need to fall into after this fiasco with Veronica.

I sent Becky some pics and messages online through PM's and then we started to chat on MSN Messenger. Msn is the easiest way to talk to girls I find since a lot of people use it. I know it's not even called messenger anymore, now they call it Live Messenger or some shit. It will still just be MSN to me forever. I'm oldschool gangster like that ya know Jive Turkey. So yeah she is 24 years old and she works on a place where they have horses. I think she teaches young kids how to ride. I know she is probably too young for me but she looks so innocent and unjaded and I think that if I was with a girl like that, I would feel young again and maybe for once, I could put the past away and focus on the present.

Most of our chat sessions are about lovey dovey type stuff like what is your favorite color and stuff like that. She is a romantic and thought he was too. That is a quote from the movie The Croupier starring Clive Owen. If you haven't seen this dark movie then you should cuz it's really good. He made this movie before he got really famous in all his cheesy big blockbuster movies. My recommendations on movies are solid yo. Anyways back to the girl. I have a hard time comprehending what it was like to be so naive and ignorant. They say ignorance is bliss and they are right. By the way, I don't know who THEY are, but they know a lot of stuff. She was telling me about the kind of guy she was looking for and then I was basically responding in a fashion that would suit her desire. I guess I was manipulating the situation but does it really matter? Does love really exist? Ok now I am getting wayyyyyy side tracked with my random thoughts.

I know that I will never make this girl happy. I know that she deserves so much more than old me but that doesn't mean I can't spend SOME time with her does it? Am I bad person? Do I deserve anything good? What do I know?

I have not made any dates with her. I really don't want to deal with her in a traditional fashion. The kind of date I want with this girl is the kind where on a sunny sunday afternoon I would go visit her where she works and she would take me out riding on horses. I would bring her flowers and the sun would be shining. Ok I already mentioned the sun part. Well it would be cool and innocent is what I am saying. Her hair would be flowing and there would be grass and stuff and we would be rolling around kissing and a horse would stroll by in the background and shit. Maybe the horse would even stop and munch on some grass.

She said that her dad is a cop and I was like oh crap do I need to worry about that fact? Then I realized I am not 17 anymore and she doesn't live with her parents. At least I don't think she lives with her parents. Not that there is anything wrong with living with your parents... well that is unless your parents are cops. I guess I should check and see where she lives :S I am going to message her now and ask.